It's A Wonderful Life

I am happy.
I am sitting on my bed, looking out my window and watching as the sun slowly turns the leaves on the trees yellow in the sunset. There is a breeze that gently pushes the curtains and reaches into my room. This is my favorite time of day, a golden hour. As the sun goes down, it's light reaches everything and bathes the world in a warm glow. I sit and I am happy.

For the last few days I have been inexplicably happy. Nothing particularly extraordinary has happened, yet there is such peace in my heart and I just feel good.  I feel like my muscles have finally relaxed from the continuous tension that they seem to have during the semester. The stress has ebbed away and I am left with a wonderfully peaceful feeling. Life slows down during the summer. Today I took an hour or two and just baked. I made lemon basil chicken and pasta, I cooked it slowly as I was in no rush and it was delicious. I made banana bread for the first time in weeks, much to my roommates happiness. I finally have time, not to mention energy, to do all the things that I really love doing.

For instance, just this week I rearranged my room, organized and got everything in it's place. I just wandered around the library for 2 hours and found some really promising books. I meandered around DI and made a craft I have been wanting to try for ages. I ate watermelon and played sand volleyball for two hours. I took the time to go see a matinee movie with my roommates. I turned on my fan, laid on my bed and listened to the Finding Nemo soundtrack for heavens sake.

My new roommates are so funny and great, they make me laugh and I like them a lot already. There are literally no negative influences in my life right now. No negative people, no negative vibes, no nothing. I don't feel pressured to go be crazy busy, I feel perfectly content to sit at the window and read my books. But I also don't feel isolated, I have made lots of new friends already and have taken up playing ultimate frisbee with them a few nights a week. I feel valued and included.

Exercise might have something to do with my happiness, endorphins and all that. With the weather so nice, I have been running again! I have also been getting up earlier and going to bed at good times. usually stress keeps me up late or makes it hard to sleep, stress also gives me nightmares. Lately I have been sleeping like a rock and having wonderful, albeit crazy weird dreams.

Already my face has started to clear up more, I have had more energy, and I have even lost a couple pounds. Relaxation does wonderful things for my body it seems.

I finally have the energy and time to enjoy the things in this world that make me happy.

Sunday Confessions 5/19

1. I think Clint Eastwood is a creepy man and I don't like him one bit, regardless of how critically acclaimed he is as an actor/director. 
2. I think most of the stuff I learn about the "deeper meaning" of a lot of paintings in art history is a load of hogwash. And that is saying something coming from me. I also don't ever really like art history professors because they always seem quite haughty to me, very full of themselves and snobby. 
3. I straightened my hair this entire last week. Which is the longest I have had my hair straight in probably a year. 
4. 90% of the time I am too lazy to try to find specific books in the library. I have gotten into a habit of just putting 7 on hold at a time and then going and picking them up in a nice neat stack the next day, no hunting required. Of course, if I don't have a specific book in mind I still like to browse. But it really is SO nice just to be able to run in, get quality reads, and run along. 
5. Apples to Apples is seriously one of the most fun games ever. I don't know why I like it so much, but it is SO fun. 
6. As much as I like my calling, I am getting a little excited to be released at the end of the summer. 7 hours of church each sunday is a little much for me. I am going to miss it of course, but it will be nice to have my sundays back for resting.
7. I find the quite noise and subtle scents of soap that come from a dishwasher/washing machine to be absolutely wonderful. 
8. I can't sleep in a hot room. I got a little fan for my room last week and when we had that big heat wave, I slept with it going all night long and it was honestly the best week of sleep I have ever gotten. 
9. I also can't sleep when there is noise. So I am pretty much that crazy person who uses ear plugs every night even when it is relatively quiet. When i put them in, everything gets really muted and quiet and it is a very nice environment for sleep. 
10. I am seriously stressed out by the fact that I have not seen the new Star Trek movie yet. I have been waiting for my roommate and I to have work off at the same time so we can go see it together. Monday is the big day!! AAAA!! I am SO excited!!

Animation Admiration: Glen Keane

Glen Keane is one of my favorite animators/artists ever. He joined the Disney team in 1974 and has been there for nearly 38 years. Much to my heartbreak, he left Disney last year in March. I am not surprised by his choice, but it still breaks my heart. The days of 2D animation for Disney seem to be over. I have even heard that they have closed down the entire 2D department. It makes sense on a financial level, it takes years and years to complete a single hand animated movie. Thousands of hours for a single film. But it is a true tragedy in my eyes. Maybe I am just selfish, but I honestly don't believe that 3D animated films will quite ever live up to the hand-drawn magic of older films.

I remember watching Beauty and the Beast when I was younger and rewinding the final transformation scene over and over again. Back then I didn't know why I loved it so much, but I know now. Glen Keane referenced the works of Michelangelo, specifically the statue figurative work to complete the scene. He somehow captured that kind of quality and marvel that Michelangelo has in a fluid animated form. I still think this is one of the most beautiful scenes in movie history. 

  I also feel the same way about the colors of the wind scene in Pocahontas where the figures turn into the wind. I used to watch that again, entranced as a child. I won't go so far as to say that Glen Keane was the sole inspiration for my love of art, but his work made a profound impact on me growing up. I mean, who was not amazed by the fluidity of the hair and the beauty of the faces. Maybe I am just a sap, but I really really love this stuff guys. I can't  even comprehend the amount of work that goes into a traditionally animated film, the tedious hours and the years of drawing. But it was worth it in my eyes. In today's society, we are so obsessed with getting everything done fast and cheap. We want it and we want it now. I think that it is this kind of mentality that has driven this art-form away to make way for a faster easier route. There are some absolutely breathtaking 3D movies out there. How to Train Your Dragon is wonderful and the art is beautiful. I would only change one thing about that show...have it traditionally animated. There is something magical about knowing that every scene was drawn by hand. Yes 3D films also take an incredible amount of work, but to me the visibility of the artists hand is not just important, it is critical to the character of the movie! There is a reason I don't know any of the animators in recent 3D movies, everything looks the same. They could have all been drawn by the same person as far as I know! Not everyone would agree with me, but that is just how I feel.

     Of course, I do hold out hope for the future of animation. As you have all probably seen, Disney's Paperman is pioneering new softwear that will let the company combine 3D and 2D. This was Glen Keane's dream, something he wanted to do with Tangled, but did not have the resources for. I really hope that Disney will stop with the complete CGI movies, they are cool in their own right, but don't hold a candle against the traditional medium. I pretty much ALWAYS like the hand drawn concept art better than the final product in those cases. Of course, some movies ARE better rendered in 3D. Wreck it Ralph and the Toy Story movies were well done and beautiful in 3D. I think this is because the actual content of the movies center around very plastic looking and computer generated characters, so the medium fits!

I love Glen Keane's work and I really hope that Disney will keep that rich legacy of hand-drawn animation in it's future work. I mean, that is the root of the company, not to mention the root of animation worldwide. There is something about animation that is always going to be magical to me. All art strives to create a sense of life, and animation does it quite literally. Of course I love a lot of other animators, especially those in Studio Ghibli (Kiki's Delivery Service, My Friend Totoro etc) but those are for another day and another post. I know it is pretty weird to obsess over random animation things, but I really do love it. Back in the day, I used to dream of being a background animator for Disney. I would paint little scenes with my 7 year old skills and hide them away for my future portfolio. Although my dreams have grown with me, that love and passion is still there. If I could meet Glen Keane, I would thank him for providing so many years of inspiration and wonder to kids like me growing up, and adults like me who will never really grew out of it. Thanks Glen :)

Summer Bucket List 2.0

Guys.....summer is finally here!!!!!! yayayay!! I love love love love summer. Everything about it. The warm, the sunny, the blue skies, the cool nights, everything. It is during the summer that I get to do all the stuff I wish I had time for during the rest of the year. So let it begin!

• Go to the saturday morning farmers market 
• Watch a movie outside
• See The Great Gatsby
• See Star Trek 2
• See Man of Steel
• See The Wolverine
• See Monsters Inc. 2
• Go to a BBQ
• Make S'mores
• Get a sewing machine from DI
• Write in my journal
• Make homemade tortillas
• Go to the rodeo
• Go on a double date with Chrysta 
• Utah Chalk Art Festival 
• Go swimming
• Go to Bear Lake
• Get a raspberry shake 
• Work on the "Off the Blank Page" project
• Go to Pizza Pie Cafe
• See Fireworks
• Go to a concert
• Read...a lot
• Get a tan
• Go running
• Go to the gym
• Play volleyball
• Make Crafts
• Eat watermelon
• Write my friends
• Donate plazma
• Skype with Alaskan friends
• Go to a baseball game
• Summer institute class
• Alter old clothes
• Thrift shop
• Boating
• Relaxing
• Art things
• And whatever else I feel like doing :)

I'm No Superman

"Well, I know what I've been told, You gotta know just when to fold, But I can't do this all on my own. No, I know, I'm no Superman."

Is it dumb to quote the Scrubs theme song? Perhaps, but it fits. 

     I like to tell myself that I can do everything, be everything to everyone. But let's be honest, i'm not perfect. As much as I try to be, i'm just not. I tried to take on 17 credits, a 20 hour a week job, a time consuming calling as Relief Society President, and 3 studio classes all in one semester. 
It was stupid. I am burned out. I am going to whine for a paragraph or two, and then I am going to move on to something rather important. 
     Grades have been stressful this semester, ok they are stressful every semester. I have never gotten less than an A- in a class the entire time I have been in college. I got a B+ in a class this semester, and I got a bit upset. But only because I had gotten an A on every assignment in the class. Every single one. The only thing that brought my grade down was attendance. My teacher said that I missed too much class. I was gone for a few days, sue me. She said that because I did not email and tell her why I was gone, I got my grade dropped. What is this? Middle School? If I miss class, it is my business and mine alone why I was gone. There are aspects of my life that I do not share with my teachers, I don't think I should have to. Private matters are private matters. I wont turn them into an excuse to satisfy a teachers curiosity. So even though my work in the whole class was A material, I am saddled with a lesser grade because of some stupid issue my teacher had with my attendance. I was really upset about it, probably more so that I should have been.
      Teachers say that student should stop fussing about little differences in grades. The say "What's the big deal between an A and an A-?" they say that it is complaining and the grades students get should just be dealt with. What they don't understand is that those letters, though they may be just figures on a piece of paper, directly impact the lives of the students in many subtle ways. My good grades are the only reason that I have been able to continue to attend college. Those little letters and that all-important GPA number is what has made my education possible. When you have a really high GPA, something as small as the difference between an A- and a B+ can drop your number drastically. Lower grades have littler effects on those with already low GPAs, but those with high ones can be devastated by a simple grade drop. My scholarship depends on my grades, and so if I did A work in a class, I think it only fair that my grade reflects that. She said that missing class impacts the quality of our work, but since I scored perfectly on every assignment, that is obviously not the case for me. 

     So I had a little cry, got a little mad, and then had to step back and reevaluate. I know it's stupid and lot's of people out there are not going to understand why I was so upset about this. But to all you over-achievers and perfectionists out there, you know how this feels. To focus in on measurable aspects of your life to retain control. 
     I think that this concept is the root of my problem. Grades are a quantifiable, measurable way to calculate the control I have over my life. When that control gets disrupted, it can be extremely hard to deal with. I think perfectionism is a very real and hard thing to deal with. When things in life are hard and crazy, when I feel confused and alone, I cling to those measurable indications of success. Something solid to remind myself that I am in control of at least one aspect of my life. Maybe you guys know how this works, maybe you have things you hold onto in your own lives. 
      I also think that this works much the same way that diseases like anorexia start. The number on the scale becomes something that the person can control, something that they have direct influence and power over. When life spins out of control, they hold onto the fact that they and only they have the control and power over the number on the scale. 
     So why am I this way, why do I have to be so in control all the time? Why is it that I have been stressing for days that I won't be here to do the cleaning check for my apartment, and instead leave the task to a roommate. Why is it that it has become hard for me to visit home lately because I don't have control of the food I will be eating or the activities I will be doing? Why do my books all have to be lined up exactly on my book shelf?  I think this is pretty much the reason I fail at relationships. To give another person with your heart is to give up control and trust them. At this point in my life, I can't do that. I think it is about me exerting control over what I CAN in my life in an effort to combat all the things that I CAN'T control. 
     
     I'm no Superman. I can't do it all, and even the small things I CAN do, I can't do perfectly. I think that this is something that I am really going to try to work on in upcoming months. Letting go of this carefully constructed death grip that I have on the controllable aspects of my life. I need to learn to loosen my grip on these things! The control that I perceive myself as having is just an elaborate lie that I create for myself to give me something to hold on to. I need to find something better. Something that won't give me inhabilitateing panic attacks and anxiety issues. I need to find something more healthy to anchor myself to. Now that I understand the root of what is going on, I feel like I am better able to understand why I feel the way I do. Now that I understand the problem, I can work on it.  

Art & Design Update

Here is a little update on the art/design projects I have been up to lately! I included all my printmaking projects from this last semester on the top row. Click for a larger view! From left to right: Reductive woodcut, single plate intaglio, drypoint on plexiglass, and a double plate intaglio. Then on the next row we have a large acrylic painting and a poster for Aggie Blue Bikes I made for my work. Below that is some marketing material I made for Bike to Work 

Week, also for work. Busy Busy! 

The LGBT Community and Me

For my multicultural education class, we were asked to join a club for the semester. I went with the LIFE group, which stands for love is for everyone. The club is made up of mostly LGBT members and a couple Allies. I chose to work with the LIFE club because they are a group that I have not had a lot of experience interacting with and I thought that this would be a great chance to expand my horizons a bit. As a teacher, I really feel that it is important that I have a wide range of experience with many groups of people. I want to foster respect and an atmosphere of safety in my future classroom. We have learned a lot about bullying in my class, and the statistics are terrible when it comes to LGBT students. It doesn't matter what my personal feelings about the subject are, it is my duty to keep my students safe. Did you know that LGBT students are 3 times more likely to attempt suicide than other students? Did you know that 70% of LGBT students are bullied during school? These facts make me pretty sick to my stomach. I believe that one has a right to their beliefs, but the moment you use those beliefs to hurt others or bully them it is unacceptable.

The first club meeting I went to was a panel discussion on Mormonism and the LGBT community. In hindsight, this was probably not the ideal first activity to come to.It was interesting, but also very intimidating. There were a lot of openly hostile remarks made about the LDS community and the religious doctrine was attacked from many members, which was hard for me to sit through as I am an active Mormon. But I wanted to get the most out of my experience so I offered a few questions to the panel and participated in the discussion. As the discussion moved on, there were quite a few people who talked about how they still respect the LDS community and have many supportive friends within it, which made me feel much more welcome. After the discussion, a few of the members came up and thanked me for coming. They said that it was brave of me to come to a meeting like this as an active Mormon.

The second meeting that I went to was a Prop 8 and DOMA presentation. The club talked about what each of the different political outcomes would mean for the LGBT community. This was particularly interesting to me, as I don’t know a whole lot about the current political situation. It was good to have someone get rid of all the jargon and just explain the situation in simple terms.The third meeting was probably my favorite of all the ones I have been to thus far. We went out onto the quad and played kickball. This was the only meeting that was not a political or religious discussion. It was fun just to hang out and get to know each other in a really low stress environment. I got to know a few of the members and they were really fun to play with. I also found out that I am pretty terrible at kickball, but that’s ok.

The last club meeting I went to was a panel discussion with the Mormons for Equality group. There was only one member of the group who came so the discussion was pretty short lived. So them the club talked about how they would really like to invite members of the LDS community out to events and meetings. I think this would be a great idea to help create some understanding and compassion between the two groups. But I do think that in order for this to be possible, I think the club would have to have an activity that would not be as threatening to active Mormons as pretty much all the meetings I have been to so far. If they want to have Mormons come to an activity, it probably should not be one where they debate LDS doctrine. I think the kickball activity would be a great example of an activity that would not be threatening or intimidating. It is sad, however, that whenever the LIFE group puts up posters to invite others to their activities they are torn down in a matter of hours. I think that this is terrible and reflects very poorly on the USU community. I think it would be good to get other groups involved with this simple hang-out activity. It was just people hanging out with other people. Those kinds of interactions are what made my experience with the club the most rewarding. Getting to know people on a one on one basis and just having fun was really nice. It is a nice way to break down the “them vs. us” mentality.

This experience proved to me that just like everyone else, there are members of the LGBT community that are kind and welcoming and friendly, just as there are those who were uninterested in even talking to me. It has been good to make some new friends; I have enjoyed spending time with them at the meetings as well as seeing them around campus. I also feel like I have a better understanding of what it is like to be a member of the LGBT community. There is a lot of anger and hurt among the members. They feel ostracized and looked down on. I got a little taste of this while I was working with the group this semester. I was in the minority for once and it was very uncomfortable at times. I believe I can safely assume that this is what they feel when in a group of my peers. I hope that I can be the kind of teacher that creates a classroom where everyone feels welcome and safe. Even though you might not agree with someone, every person in this world deserves to be respected. Bullying is never ever ever ok. Period.

     I think that a lot of people assume that interacting with the LGBT community is going to influence them to lead a homosexual lifestyle. Bah. That is silly. Some people believe that interacting with LGBT members will make them want to give up their religion. Also silly. I have been working with members of the LGBT community for months now and I am firmer than ever in my own religious convictions and have not had my previous views changed. What did change, was my understanding. You can never have too much understanding.
I believe that the unknown is the source of fear, and that fear is the source of hate. If I ever have an opportunity to understand better ways of life that are unknown to me, I will take it.  Knowledge is power, the more you know and understand about the various and versatile people on this world, the better able you are to be a force for good in it.